An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
