I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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