just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
