When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
