I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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