That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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