Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think your dad took our porno
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
