im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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