You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
