So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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