God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
