my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
