Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
As shirtless as possible
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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