apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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