Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
