Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
