i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
