Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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