stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
40s are totally the cure
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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