A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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