if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Randomize
