genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
