these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
