also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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