I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
