When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize