I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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