She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize