I'm lost and stupid without you.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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