and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
