I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize