you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
