I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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