I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
