On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Duck Duck Cougar?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
