There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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