I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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