Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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