dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The uberlube is also flammable
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
