Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
