My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
