you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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