I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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