I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
