Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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