So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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