Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
