WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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