My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
