im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
