Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
