seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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