My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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