I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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