The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
