im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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