I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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