what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
